On the Outside

Kaila and I just got back from another night of cards. I have to say, I love the Sunday nights of playing cards with the girls. It can get so competitive and ruthless, but that is what makes the game so fun.

Unfortunately for every team I am stuck on, I am horrible at the game. HORRIBLE. When it comes time to divide into teams, nobody ever wants me and I just end up sitting down at the table with an open spot. I am sure the unlucky girls with me on their team get really angry they have to spend another night in torture where they not only lose, but lose by a massive amount. It is never pretty.

I love that this gives me the opportunity to finally fit in. Well, at least I feel like I finally fit in. Kaila and I never really made friends well with the others in our church very well. It has been a struggle recently, because we sometimes feel as we are invisible to our peers. So much of the time, I see photos on Facebook or elsewhere of the fun things every girl (but Kaila and I) go out and do. It saddens me when we don't even hear of these fun trips, nor do we get invited. It is almost as if they don't want Kaila and I there. I just wish I could understand what it is we are doing wrong to where the others don't want us there.

We didn't grow up in this church, and we aren't related to anyone else there, but we really feel like this church is where we need to raise our families. That may sound crazy, but I couldn't imagine being anywhere else, even if we never feel like we fit in with the rest of our peers. I feel like this is the church wants Kaila and I to be at. I feel like we were brought to the wonderful state of Iowa for a reason.

I want to say that playing cards makes me feel like I am just one of the girls, but that isn't the case. I can tell when my team gets frustrated that I can't seem to ever improve. I can tell they all have inside jokes that don't relate to me. I can tell there is a really good reason Kaila and I weren't even asked if we wanted t-shirts, even though everyone else has one. I want to live in my naive world where I just assume people don't want to bother Kaila or I, or that they just forget about us. Actually, I would appreciate it if they forgot about me. At least that would be better than purposely not inviting me to things because I am not desirable.

I never felt like I fit in with the rest of the world. I used to think it was because I am a Christian in a non-Christian world, but I don't even fit into the Christian world. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, because I would try to fix it.